STAGE TIME Magazine: Michael Malone

NEW RELEASES
DVDs
Alex Borstein
Drop Dead Gorgeous

Comedy Jump Off
Mark Demayo,
Smokey, Mike Shawn,
Ruperto Vanderpool
and Antman

Pablo Francisco
Ouch! Live From San
Jose

Ralphie May
Girth of a Nation

Carlos Mencia
No Strings Attached

Latin Legends of
Comedy
Joey Vega, Angel
Salazar and JJ Ramirez

Paul Lynde
An Evening With

Lewis Black
Red, White & Screwed

Katt Williams
Live

Michele Balan Live!
(Just Barely)

Bob & Tom Radio:
The Comedy Tour
Drew Hastings, Bob
Zany, Greg Hahn and
Mark Armstrong

Kevin Hart
Live From the Laff
House

Neil Hamburger
The World's Funnyman

CDs
Wanda Sykes
Sick & Tired

Doug Powell
Doug the Helicopter
Pilot

Greg Giraldo
Good Day to Cross a
River

Christian Finnegan
Two For Flinching

Whitest Kids You Know

Russell Peters
Outsourced

George Lopez
El Mas Chingon

Demetri Martin
These Are Jokes

Norm MacDonald
Ridculous

Greg Behrendt
Greg Behrendt Is
Uncool

Blaine Smithson
Live at Club Flamingo

Books
The Book on Hosting
How Not to Suck As An
Emcee
Dan Rosenberg

Standing on the patio with some strangers who all chase
the same thing I chase, every one of these ten faces
share the same thrill, that same rush which we label
showbiz. The manager walks out, listing the rules of the
evening. She reminds us that the show is rated PG, and
that if we were looking to come back again that there
would be no swearing or sexual language in our set. I nod
my head in agreement with the other sheep, and the
whole time she was speaking, I was looking at my set list
freaking out. "I have to change this. I can't do that. Will
that be okay? Can I say bitch?" Moments later, I find
myself alone on the same patio. Everyone else had gone
inside to start the show.

I'm scratching off bits left and right, drawing arrows pointing out position changes, and in my
head I'm going over my act with different words to replace the ones that are forbidden.
Finally, I relax with the others watching the show from the back row. It's just another night in
the worst seat in the house. Being a comic, you get used to sitting in the back.

I sat and watched everyone. Some comics were going all out, without care talking about sex
and asking crowd members for dates, while pelvic thrusting towards the front row. Some
comics kept it squeaky clean, not letting one reference or innuendo slip out of their mouth.
I was going to keep it right in the middle. I'd walk the line a little bit to get the crowd on my
side, but I'd keep it clean for the club. I was reciting my act over and over again until it
stained my brain and I could say it backward.

The guy before me was really good. He had the crowd in his palm and he took them
wherever he wanted. He was so unique, almost like a character off of SNL or Mad TV. The
crowd is warm, ready, and wanting to laugh. It's towards the end of the show and I'm third to
last. I shake the emcee's hand as I step on stage put my glass down and went to war. To
me, stand up is one of the hardest things to do in life, because you have to convince a room
full of strangers to agree with you. You have to bring them to your world. You have to be the
voice of the general public on every issue, be it politics, headlines, or even daytime TV.
You're paid to have an opinion. These people want to say what's on their minds and how
they feel, but they can't. It's your job to step in and nail it - every thought, every emotion,
every word must be dead on.

It's not like other jobs where you go to work and you have a list of things you have to do
that have been done before on a daily or monthly basis. We can't show up at the club and
have them say, "Okay tonight, you'll be doing a bit about traffic. I got a great punch that
Jerry just used last week for it."

This is the truest form of one on one since
boxing. I felt rushed at first. I felt like I had to
prove myself to this crowd, which is true every
show, but this one was different because I had
to separate myself from the other comics the
manager has seen. I had to be really on. Pace
is such a funny thing. I've done these jokes a
million times, but I bet every time they've
been told onstage, they have a completely
different speed and pause. It's hard to hit
cruise control under pressure. The first punch
goes over great, second soon follows only
harder and so on. I had them!

Before I knew it, I was doing my closer and shaking hands with the emcee as applause
flooded the club. If you've never performed, then you wouldn't understand the high that you
get from it. Granted, I've never been high on drugs or drunk, but I think I can safely say
this is a much better high - a high you can't reach doing anything else. So now I'm sitting
back in my seat, sipping on my water with a smile and I can't hide the confidence Will Smith
would kill for. The headliner, a comic who has TV credits a mile long, from BET to his own
Comedy Central special, approaches me and shares some advice. It's always an honor to
have a headliner watch your set, and it's bigger honor if they comment on it.

The show ends and people are herded out of the room. I'm sitting by the bar with some
other comics, and this is the best part of the night. I shake several hands, pose for a few
photos and it makes you feel inside the way Tom Cruise acted on Oprah on the outside. The
moment passes and the room is almost empty. The manager is at the bar with her
notebook filled with comic notes - what she liked and disliked. I walk over to thank her for
having me at the club. She says, "You looked very comfortable on stage tonight. How long
have you been doing it?" It was like a job interview, only rushed and more cut throat. But I
walked out of the club that night with a smile on my face. I was booked to come back.
What a great night!